i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I could fuck to npr.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
