I wanna bring you to show and tell
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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