it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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