i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
