Cold hands, warm shart.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
