where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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