I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
