I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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