I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
