If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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