when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
