Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
