genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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