Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
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Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
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Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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