where am i from again
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
