U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
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I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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