i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
