First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
