I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
