Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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