I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS