why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
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about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
