One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.