mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
