dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
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