If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
