that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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