I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
