not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
