don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
