This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
