thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
