guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
