I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
