Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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