if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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