Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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