I wish I could teleport
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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