I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
