the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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