yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
