a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm always down for nudity.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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