Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
