I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
