She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
