I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
