I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
