A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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