Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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