why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
