Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
