my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
