I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
