and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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