I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
