Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
