I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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