went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
