so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
