If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
