It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
