hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
