sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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