I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
