After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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