My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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