the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You have to summon your inner elephant
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
