Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
