she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
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You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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