we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
